its been....a few months since iv'e written anything here, so i decided it was high time to, expecially beacuse i've been so happy lately, i thought, y not write a HAppy post, how weird... i started writing in a journal too though, and it's been lovely, i write about a page a night, and think i might keep it up, it is helping keep me sane and lists are written down, so i dont have to try to rmember them in the morning, it's kindof wonderful.
though now, it's quite exciting that im so happy, i mean, not all the time, but most...its weird, i have a lovely new flirting partner and its HILarious and amazing, im kida loveing him. i actualy pretty much have my common app essay done, and i just need to finish my art portfolio, and do supps. im doing ED to oberlin, so i have to get that done soon but ya

ill post more later

love to all

with everything else
why do u have to take him away from me
we are so good together
are you jealous? am i jealous? .
why must you take the few things i have

sometimes, i dont understand our relationship, i want to, soo much, but i just dont. sometimes, i'm your facorite, sometimes, im not. and then, if u dont reach out, i shrink back, i dont talk and right now, im not talking to anybody really, no one. i need to talk. actually express my feelings and thoughts, but i cant seem to, and i just dont know why
im scared of rejection, of love, and then being dropped, ive been dropped already to many times this year, im not sure how ill do it again

Carol Park

Tilting
Back and
Forth .
The grayed red seesaw teetered

Empty rusty chains with rubber seats
Swing back and forth,
The wind an invisible child,
Pushing itself
Back and
Forth

A great dulled beach ball,
Withered by sand.
Sits there,
Unused
Waiting
For someone to come along,
And
Kick it
Slam it
Straight into the air

If the kids come,
The monkey bars would,
Have the sweet sticky palms of children,
Grabbing the
Cool
Calm,
Waiting
Strips of metal.

Half a tractor tire
Sticks out like a pacifier,
Cold and
Rubbery
The grooves catch the early morning light
Exactly half is
Thrown
Jaggedly
Into relief.

The other,
As dark and remote as this,
Vacant playground

The nonchildren’s voices,

Echoing.

i cant stop y
y now
y not with someone
i want a friends shoulder
i need someones shoulder to cry into

i really need to stop only writing things wen im mad, i swear im not always mad
but right now
awhgh
idk, yes, lets just get the old group back together and specifically NOT invite catherine,. y do ppl always mean more to me than i seem to mean to them? i mean really, i know we rnt THat close anymore, but...if ur getting that group together, it was only once i wasnt with u guys, and thats cause i had surgery...and yall were using and i didnt want to do that. did i loose u cause i didnt do that wiht u? i didnt loose anyone else...just u...does it mean that much to u, or did i just never mean that much to you. i kno io cant really talk, especially in that group, im just so quiet, but that doesnt mean i didnt Want to say something, no one really listened. y does no one listen? today i actually walked away from someone, for the first time ever in my life...i mean, i guess that shows where i am, mentally, im jsut annoyed and really dont want to deal with that anymore, i dont like being the but of jokes, i kno u love me, and i kno u care, but its gottn to the pnt where i cant take in anymore, and its gone to far. i mean is it really right to joke about me being a 'worthless pile of shit? ' and wonder y i am even on this planet? i mean really, dont u think thats taking it a bit far, even the socially awkward nate realized that was wrong and stoppd, and walked away, y did it take me telling u for u to uinderstand...and now i literally walked away from u...yay for improvment, now i just need to actually talk to u about it, cause i care about u , and we're close...and i dont wanyt to loose u, i do love u...i just cant do a relationship like this anylonger.

and yues, that little rant was bout 2ppl... i just kinda transisioned...
and i swear, i think the entire csw female community is on the same menstrual cycle, everyone is EMOTIONAL thou that is something i dont mind, and love doing, ill do anything for my friends...but its kinda crazy, 3 in two days? and me just three days ago?wowosers, ahhh ohhh well, its end of mod too

i talked with alana today for most of advisor blck, and i am beginning to really like her. im glad we've become friends, i mean, i can talk to her better than i could ever talk to u...how wierd is that... we discussed hats, utah, integrals, procrastination and more hats
sometime in seventh mod assembly, im going to wear my big amazing hat and go u p during assembly and be like, "and this, is for alana" ahh yess

im still not over u
y am i not over u
i hate this
im going to go and work on my paper about columbus and how stupid our country is

xo

HOW MUCH OF A GIRLY-GIRL ARE YOU?
[ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish
[ ] You own a designer purse
[ ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[ ] You have had fake nails
[X] You have more body/hair products than you can use
[ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Siamese/Min Pin/Maltese/Puggle
[ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet
[ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp.
[X] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[] You have a pink/purple comforter, walls or sheets
Total: 2

DO YOU:
[ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work
[X] Have/Had a hair color that is not natural
[X] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day
[X] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear it
[X] Constantly keep your phone at your side
[ X] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home
[ XXXX] Have a name for your car
[X] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"
Total: 7

DO YOU ADORE:
[ ] Makeup
[ ] Glitter
[ ] The Color Pink
[ ] Shopping
[X] Jewelry
[ ] Mirrors
[X] Chick flicks
[X] Shoes
[ ] Rainbows
[ ] Unicorns
[X] Disney Movies
[X] Candles
[X] Flowers
[X] Stuffed Animals
[X] Purses
Total: 8

DO YOU SHOP AT:
[X] American Eagle
[X] Aeropostale
[ ] Victoria's Secret
[ ] Journeys
[X] Claire's
[X] Express
[X] Delia's
[ X] Sephora
[ ] Hollister
[ ] Bebe
[ ] Dillard's
[ ] Abercrombie
Total: 6

DO YOU SAY:
[X] Bitch
[ ] Whatever
[ ] Oh my gosh
[ ] Hun
[ ] Fugly
[ ] That's Hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Psht
[] Cutie
[ ] Hottie
[] Totally
[ ] For Sure
[] Fabulous
Total: 1

DO YOU RELIGIOUSLY READ:
[ ] CosmoGIRL!
[ ] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle
[ ] Vogue
[ ] People
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Redbook
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[ ] Cosmopolitan.com
[ ] People.com
[ ] UsMagazine.com
[ ] TMZ.com
Total: 0

HAVE YOU SEEN:
[X] Legally Blonde
[ ] Elizabethtown
[X] Mean Girls
[X] Now & Then
[XXXX] The Notebook
[X ] A Walk to Remember
[X ]Sweet Home Alabama
[ ] Where the Heart is
[X ] Just my luck
[ X] John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Centerstage
[X ] Bring it On
[X ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[X ] Mona Lisa Smile
[X ] My Girl
Total: 12

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO:-LOVE TO WATCH, not addicted
[ X] America's Next Top Model
[X ] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[X ] Sex & the City
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ X] Gossip Girl
[ ] Laguna Beach/The Hills
[ ] Nip/Tuck
Total: 4

HMM...80%....who would have ever thought id become semi girly girl?

IM 18!!!!!!!11
and love my friends
ill write about it more later
but i love suprsies,they dont happen that often
and i love them
YAA for suprise birthday parties
ohh i love u
i love u all
and even fb makes me feel special, how many ppl have writtn on my wall!!! 93! ohh , its soo exciting, and i love how i know this cause of the 'notifications'
ahh, so thats a little crazy and fb stalkerish, but it makes me feel sooo good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxox

AHHHg
sometimes i wish i had mroe guts so i could just tell u how i feel
that this had never happened
that i didnt caare this much,
but then i wouldnt b a human...who know, is being an alien bettEr?
what if i didnt care
for lots of things
thins would be easier..but we did decide,
i do love taking the long way, the hard way

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do




but i love my friends
u r amazing, and i cant belive i am so blessed, i love u, you guys know me soo well, kno how its going to hit, ohh for interventions...hmm, im not sure how that would hve gone over
thanksxoxo muwhah

i miss u so much, it jsut realyl hit me
its been too long, adnd i want u to come home, its a time like nowm wen ive piled things on to high, that i need u, i miss u, and hope that we r still as close wen u come back
will things ever b like they were?

i hope tomrow goes well
mayb ill write somethign more wen it isnt 12:30 fucker
im going to doe,/kill someone, remind me not to do so muchh
or atleast, forceme to actually do my hw

so i am loving things right now, at least, on the whole, idk, things have been going well, or atleast, idk, its not even asw though everything is perfect, or even all good, but ive been in such a good mood latley, and its soo much fun!!!!!!!!1
and im kinda sad its break, i want to sleep and chill and stuff, but i love school,. and thats my home, im going tomiss all the familure faces, the ppl i dont really talk to, butthe saying hey in the hall, those ppl, and i dont have my phone, if any1 sees it, PLAESE take it and give it to me, i NEED IT its kinda my lifeblood as im starting to realize, it has EVERYONES number, but i have my most called ppls numbers for the weekend, on a piece of paper, next to my comp YAY lol

tonight was actualyl a LOT of fun, idk, we just kinda talkd, but idk, it was a really good night

so i could go on but im just going to put these lyrics cause i love the song::

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
That could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air
As she started to dance
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands

And we sang a, away, away, away
And the voices rang like the angels sing
And singing a, away, away, away
And we danced on into the night
And we danced on into the night

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces
We were spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes
No room left to move inbetween you and I
And we forgot where we were
And we lost track of time
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night

And we sang a, away, away, away
And the voices rang like the angels sing
And singing a, away, away, away
And we danced on into the night
And we danced on into the night
And we danced on into the night

Like a gift from the heavens
It was easy to tell
It was love from above
That could save me from hell
She had fire in her soul
It was easy to see
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me
There were drums in the air as she started to dance
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands

And we sang a, away, away, away
And the voices rang like the angels sing
And singing a, away, away, away
And we danced on into the night
A, away, away, away
And the voices rang like the angels sing
And singing a, away, away, away
And we danced on into the night
A, away, away, away
A, away, away, away
Singing a, away, away, away
And we danced on into the night

xoxoxo

catherinee

thank you
thank you
i love you, today ment more to me than you will ever know

<3

AHH fuckers
y cant i have confidence to do ANYTHING
AHHHHH
i just want u to notice me
thats it
recognize me, do uliek me
fucker
wat do i have too DO!

well, wat a wonderful post to b comming back to lj wiht...
well hello there lj, it was weird to look back at my last post, that was so long ago, yet not long at all...where has everything gone, and y is everything happening so fast
how come ive only known everyone for a yr and yet it seems like lifetimes

Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}
Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

{Refrain}

Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlight people

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it
Explode?


Dreams
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen wiht snow





Friends are the ones that
pick you up when you fall,
but best friends will crack
up and say walk much
loser?


*..It always seems like theres no sun
no world and no tommorow
Life has forgotten you
and you forgotten how to live
but theres still hope
you can't really feel it or see it
you have to know it deep down
that things will get better and that
clouds will clear out & light will
shine
All you have do
do.............is believe

im not going to see u for a month after today, will i remember u, u ask, yes of course, how could i forget. how much will i miss u? and how much will it hurt each day, im not sure, but this will be hard, but truthfully, thanks for bringing us together, even when hurt, u still manage to b amazing
much love

fckfckfck
wat the hell am i sopposd to do with this information, this is alwasy wat they talk aobut wen we r younger
but can i do it?
can i betray her trust?
but will she thank me later

so i decided to write some poems today, and they rnt amazing, but it felt good so here some are:

Collapse:

How does it come to this?
Pushing
Pushing until we can’t
No more
‘till we collapse

_____________
Shame- needs some work

When I heard what you’d done
I wondered why I was ever friends
With you
Why I’d ever trusted you

Kick me once
Shame on you
Kick me twice shame on me
Kick my friend down
And it’s through


_____________
What i really want

You look at me
Interested
I make a witty response
Hoping for a laugh
Wishing
You look at me questioningly
And I smile
I wish I could tell you what I really want

so i love stage managing and wish i was doing it tomrow
but i have to go to my grandmother's funeral, so therefore i will not be there
fyi, i will be gone and prob not able to check my email untill late sunday
but i will have my cellular, call

Great job everyone in dance concert!!! u guys were amazing!!!!

xoxox

i am DEAD TIred and will write all bout it later, but COME to DANCE CONCERT !!! specially fri night, cause second half im stage manager, and itll b aamazing, the dancers are amazing and so is the lighting
everyone shoud come

and if u read this ben, ur sopposd to do ur hw and not the cds, saays lisa, or atleast, dont fail those classes cause also chris explained a way for us to do sound with the master if need be and not have the next somngs come in

ok,clarification, i am not moving from CSW, just in colorado, my dad and step mom are moving houses so that they can live in a "our" house thoug, im not to happy with that

but so, im really wondering why we need all that much space? cause we dont, and its stupid, and i dont like big houses...they r scary at night with all the lights turned offf....but so, y do we need 5bedroom? we will NEVER USE THEM lucie and i are only there 3months or so out of the yeatr and jason doesnt live there and idk

so ive decided, i love my classes this mod, they are amazing
USO in which we discuss theology, and things like, does antartica really exist? did the revolution realyl happen? morals? is anyone every wrong? or right? and then we say sarcastic remark after sarcastic remark, it is hilaruious
im going to do an extra project in it that ill discuss rlater, but im excited, its a social experiment!

and then i have WAR wiht anjali, which isnt amazing, but suprisingly some days its interesting, cause we have a class that likes to talk so we just interject and talk over her, its fun

and then, Harlem Renaissance, which is amazing. i have Brian Walker and we discuss such relative issuces and its really fun and interesitn and i love my projhect for what i am propaganding, ill show it to u guys tomrow, its crazy

also, happy birthday to emily! much love!


also here is the house that i will prob move to in CO, check it out, sadly i kinda like it...
http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1075212675

so i have leo on my lap, and he's not being very helpful as i type up a thing for harlem renaissance he keeps nudging my face and fubbing up against me
and then this morning he was very unhelpful wen i was trying to sleep and he got on my chest and started nudgeing my face whith his head to get me up, this was the first time hes done that in the morning and thou it is very cute, i would rather sleep, he does many other cute things during the day

but i still love my cat adnd am so glad my mom rented thecat trap and we caught him by accident, and even if its a pain to keep him away from pippin and belle cause of the fiv, he's still my baby and i adore him

im becomming a cat lady at 17...this is not good lol, i spent my fri and sat night sitting on the couch with him watching tv, though fri cause i was sick and sat cuase nobody could do anytihng, then i went ou sunday

now he is playing wiht my necklace

i should go and work instead of talking obut my cat